Messy Love: Heartache & Heartbreak

So if you know me, you know that I don't cry often so if I do, something's really wrong and I can usually get myself to stop quite quickly.  If you know these things then you'd also know that there's always a really big reason behind why I cry and it's something I've been pushing down for quite some time but it got too much to handle.  So you can imagine my surprise this past week when I just randomly started crying almost every day and couldn't figure out why.  Well... after a very very teary drive back to my apartment from a babysitting gig, I think I have figured it out and the answer shocked me and revealed a lot about my heart.

I've always wanted love and have sought after it in the worst of ways.  I've always felt like there was a hole in my life and I always tried to fill it with whatever cheap affection was being tossed my way... superficial friendships, praise, boys, etc.  Something always seemed to be vying for that part of me.  That hole continually seemed to get bigger and bigger as people I held close left me... some by choice, some not by choice, and some went home to be with Jesus.  Each person took a piece of me with them and left me feeling incomplete... broken... aching...  I wanted someone to take their place to fill that hole so I could feel complete again.  I tried to replace the hole my dad left when he moved out & moved on after my parents divorced years ago with various guys, the hole when my best friend moved across the world with other close friends, and the biggest hole that was left when my grandma passed away a year and a half ago has yet to be filled...  And (not surprisingly), nothing gives me the completeness I crave.  In fact, it made it worse to realize nothing was working.  The new friends had other friends, the boys came and went... but the holes remained.  No one ever lived up to the expectations I had and it always left me more hurt, more bitter, and feeling more alone.

And tonight, as I was driving home from Danville, the emotions all hit me like a waterfall of bricks, enveloped me, and wouldn't let me go.  It wasn't until now that I realized what was happening.  I believe so many lies every day when it comes to all this... And God has just exposed a lot of my heart, my sin, and my weakness all at the same time.  What a bittersweet moment!  In an instant I was shown how much I idolize relationships (I mean I knew I did but just realized the extent of it..), all the lies I believe, how I never turn to God when I'm aching, and how much I desire to be loved/known/appreciated.

But God does all this and then some!  He truly knows me!  He knows every little thing about me!  Even down to the number of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30).  He loves me so much He sent HIS SON to die for me on a cross 2000 years ago so I could be reconciled to Him once more (John 3:16).  If that isn't true love, then I don't know what love is.  But why do I put my earthly relationships above this heavenly relationship when the earthly ones fail me, hurt me, and leave me longing for more?  I think CS Lewis put it quite nicely when he said:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

 I am easily pleased.  I am much more content with a Skype date with my best friend once a month or a hug from someone I care about than the endless riches of heaven and the promises God has for me.  I would rather indulge here than fill myself with God.  Although I long for the day when I can be reunited with my Heavenly Father on the other side of the pearly gates some day, most days I'm okay here.  I love everything here on earth until something goes wrong and then I want to take the fastest route to heaven.  But is that what God really wants for us and our lives?  I don't think so.  Romans 12:2 specifically calls us to be in this world but not of it.  In other words, we are to live here while God has us here but we should be set apart in how we live our lives.  Well... by turning to my best friends for comfort, finding every possible thing but God to fill the holes in my heart,  and idolizing any kind of relationship I would say I'm not off to the best start.

BUT THERE IS HOPE!

In the book of Philiipians Paul writes:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  (Philippians 1:6, ESV)

By revealing this sin in my life it is proof of God's work in my life and because He has started this good work, He promises He will also complete it in me some day.  It may be something I battle my entire life but there is the promise that some day it will be finished just like Jesus completed the ultimate task of reconciliation on the cross.

Around this Hallmark-ized holiday of superficial "love", tokens of affection, and brokenness, I can rest my broken heart in the hand of God knowing that He cares about every little missing piece, every bruise, every crack, and every scrape on it and that ONLY HE can truly restore it to new.  Not the guys I find attractive sitting across the auditorium at DCF.  Not my friends or family.  No amount of anything on this earth can restore my broken heart to it's original mint condition.  But Jesus can.  If you're like me and hate Valentine's Day because it just reminds you of all the pain in the past I hope you can find comfort in this passage from God's word:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  (Psalm 147:3, ESV)

That's a pretty awesome promise if you ask me!  I have never been more thankful for it than I am right now.

If you're struggling with this like I am, I pray for God's comfort to flood you in ways you never thought possible so that you can truly know what love feels like.  I pray that those wounds in the past can be healed by the blood of Christ.  Jesus loves you, friend.

Happy Valentine's Day!

~Dani