New Year, New Me?

Well... it's that time of the year again!  The time when everyone sits around the table, reflects on the past year, and vows to make this next year better than the last through a list of resolutions.  Great in theory, right?!  If people actually kept their resolutions, it'd be great!  However, we all know how this goes... People stick to their resolutions for about a month, and then slack off.  They'll pick back up right before summer in the hopes of making it the best summer ever and then by the time the 4th of July rolls around, the resolution bandwagon has been derailed yet again.  Then around Labor Day when the new school year/work year begins, we all vow that we will do whatever we need to in order to make this the best school year yet!  ...and then what happens?  That lasts until about Halloween until we all give up until Christmas when the cycle begins all over again.  Exhausting, right?

Let's face it, it's hard to stick to commitments sometimes.  It's hard to change.  It's hard to not let people down when they're counting on you.  We all struggle with it!  As there's nothing new under the sun (Ecc. 1:9), we can expect that people in biblical times struggled with this as well.  Take a look at the books of Judges, 1 Kings, 2 Kings and you'll see exactly what I mean.  It went something like this...

God:  Don't do the things

.Israel:  Okay God, we won't do the things!

-time passes- 

Israel:  God, we did the things...
God:  I told you not to do that!  -sends punishment-  Now, don't do the things again!

And repeat.  Again.  And again.  And again.  And again.  For hundreds of years.  They did what they thought was right in their own eyes and completely forgot about God.  When they forgot about God, they couldn't change.  They were stuck in a cycle of temporary faithfulness/faithlessness.  We, as we are just as broken and sinful as they are, can get stuck in the same cycle they did.  We do it year after year after year with broken new year's resolutions, broken promises, broken commitments.  We try to do it on our own but fail time after time.  So I think we can learn a little something from the temporary faithful people of Israel...

We can't change on our own.

We are a broken people full of sinful desires, selfish motives, and a wish to do things our own way and control our own lives.  We want to do what is right in our own eyes.  But, the bible tells us that we

"...are darkened in [our] understanding, alienated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in [us], due to [our] hardness of heart. [We] have become callous and have given [ourselves] up to sensuality, greedy to practice every kind of impurity." (Eph. 4:18-19, ESV)

Because of "the sin that so easily entangles" (Heb. 12:1) that naturally lives in us, we cannot make proper judgements on our own.  Our hearts are hard, calloused, greedy, and impure.  Pretty grim, right??

BUT THERE IS HOPE!!!

When Jesus Christ died on the cross some 2000 years ago, He took our sins, our shame, and our selfishness to the cross to give us hope for a new life.  He allowed us to be reconciled to our maker, Our Heavenly Father, the one true God and to trade the old life of shame, deceit, and selfishness for a life of hope, faith, and righteousness if we simply believe in Him and dedicate our lives to following Him.

"But that is not the way you learned Christ!—assuming that you have heard about him and were taught in him, as the truth is in Jesus, to put off your old self, which belongs to your former manner of life and is corrupt through deceitful desires, and to be renewed in the spirit of your minds, and to put on the new self, created after the likeness of God in true righteousness and holiness." (Ephesians 4:20-24 ESV)

When we believe in Jesus, we can put off the old way, and put on the new righteousness.  He softens our calloused hearts giving us hearts turned to Him and His ways.  We are accepted, forgiven, and given means to change through His strength.  We can actually keep those New Year's Resolutions with His help!!  He can help us to change and become more like Him!

If you haven't accepted Christ as your Savior, make it your New Year's resolution to follow Him!  If you've already accepted Christ, make your New Year's resolution to be to honor and glorify Him more!

Here are my New Year's resolutions (please feel free to hold me accountable)!
1.  Memorize Scripture (Psalm 119:11)-  By memorizing Scripture I have it as a tool to fight off temptation, counsel others, and keep myself from sin.

2.  Read the Bible- How can I have a relationship with someone that I know nothing about?  By spending time with Him while reading the Bible, I can deepen my relationship with God and know my Maker even better!

3.  Honor God with my body (1 Corinthians 6:19-20)- My body is a gift from God, a temple of the Lord as He dwells in me.  I need to be sure to eat well, exercise, and dress in a way that glorifies God.  By not doing that, I'm dishonoring the Lord and not being a good example to those around me.

4.  Spend my money wisely (Luke 16:13-14)- I cannot serve two masters.  I don't want to serve money as my master, I want to serve God!  I want to use my money to glorify God and save and spend in a way that shows that.  I have a tendency to overspend and that will not help me in the long run!

5.  Love others well (Matthew 22:39)- I want to love others in a way that glorifies God!  I want to show others Christ's love whether they believe in Jesus or not.  I want Jesus to flow through me in a way that makes those that don't believe in Jesus question their belief in God!

Hold me accountable friends!  Ask me how my resolutions are going in a few weeks/months.  If you'd like to join me for one, let me know!  Resolutions are much easier to keep through prayer and a friend by your side!

What are your resolutions this year?  Is this the year when you accept Jesus?  If you haven't it should be!!  Welcome Jesus into your heart and make this year the best one yet!

Happy New Year y'all!

Danielle

Idolatry: A Warped View of True Love

Have you ever found yourself thinking about something (or someone) a little more than normal?  Have you found your mind wandering during class, on the bus, or when taking a stroll?  What's the reason you get out of bed in the morning?  Shower?  Go to work?  What is the motivation driving your life?  Is it the cute boy/girl down the hall?  Is it your boyfriend/girlfriend?  Family?  Kids?  Job?  Parents?  The desire to be successful?  The need to please someone?  Prove yourself?  What drives your life?

If I'm being truthful, mine changes with the seasons.  Some days it's the excitement of a weekend full of babysitting, some days it's the need to pay the bills and I have to work in a few hours.  Some days it's the cute boy in the fellowship or the fact that my best friend needs my advice on something.  Lately this has been exposed to me and it's been weighing heavily on my heart.  I don't want these things to be the driving force behind my life.  I don't want to be worshipping the cute guy, my job, the kids I babysit, my future plans, my friends, my status, etc.  I want to worship Christ alone.  After all, He is a jealous God and wants me fully.  

"...for you shall worship no other god, for the LORD, whose name is Jealous, is a jealous God..."  (Exodus 34:14)

A few weeks ago someone I highly respect sat down with me and said he was concerned about something I said during our last conversation.  After talking with him for a bit he showed me how in everything I was saying or doing, I seemed to want to take the easy way out, do what came easily, or what would be least amount of work or stress for me as I've been contemplating career decisions post graduation.  This was just the start of God pointing out idols in my life.  God exposed what I was worshipping and how it was tearing me away from Him.  

The idols just kept being exposed... relationships/marriage, family, friends, success, money, leading, worship team, etc.  One by one God has been showing me how I've been placing my hope in everything but Him.  And, if I'm being honest, it's been hard to come to grips with.  But, although discipline is painful in the moment, it's super beneficial in the long run.  I love how it's stated in Hebrews 12:

Consider him who endured from sinners such hostility against himself, so that you may not grow weary or fainthearted. In your struggle against sin you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood. And have you forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons?

“My son, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him.For the Lord disciplines the one he loves, and chastises every son whom he receives.” 

It is for discipline that you have to endure. God is treating you as sons. For what son is there whom his father does not discipline? If you are left without discipline, in which all have participated, then you are illegitimate children and not sons. Besides this, we have had earthly fathers who disciplined us and we respected them. Shall we not much more be subject to the Father of spirits and live? For they disciplined us for a short time as it seemed best to them, but he disciplines us for our good, that we may share his holiness. For the moment all discipline seems painful rather than pleasant, but later it yields the peaceful fruit of righteousness to those who have been trained by it. 

(Hebrews 12:3-11 ESV)

I have hope that even though this week has been painful and I've had to come to grips with things I don't want to, God's love shines through His discipline.  He wants me to have an intimate relationship with Him, He wants to be the only one I worship, etc. and because it's God speaking, I know that it's all for my best.  He has my best interest in mind so this discipline will lead to something good.  A father disciplines his son because he loves him and earthly fathers are designed to reflect our Heavenly Father so His discipline is because He loves us.

Thank you, Lord, for exposing these idols and helping me realize that my hope was elsewhere and guide me through the time ahead in getting my focus back on You and You alone.  Help me to spend time just sitting in your presence... no people, no distractions, just you and I Lord. 

Blessings friends, 

Dani

Patience in the Midst of the Mess

Hello again friends!  Happy summer!  Hope you're all enjoying the sunshine and showers that summer always brings!  For me, this summer looks very different from what I've grown to expect summer to look like.  This summer I am away from home for the majority of the summer living with a family from my church that I love dearly!  I talked about their story in my last blog post.  I'm now moved in and settling into the routine of the family and enjoying every minute of it!  But already, in 2 short days of living here, God has exposed a huge character flaw in my heart.... my impatience.  Now, impatience is something quite familiar to me as several of my family members struggle with being patient but it's never something I would have said that I struggle with.  I would've said that I was quite patient (in comparison to my family members) however... compared to Christ, I am so impatient and am grateful that He's starting to work on my heart in this area of struggle.  How has God exposed this struggle you may ask?  Well, let me share!

The first exposure of the struggle came last week when I was at a week long conference with my school's Christian fellowship learning about the "Unpredictable Mercy" of God!  What an amazing week it was.  By Wednesday though, I was emotionally wrecked but it wasn't until Friday that I realized why.  I wanted everyone in my life to change... to be perfect.  And I wanted it at that very second.  When I realized this, everything became clear and my view changed.  It opened my eye to my impatience and gave me eyes to see it more clearly in my life.  Which leads to where God has exposed my impatience most drastically... the boys I've been babysitting the past few days and will be babysitting on and off for the rest of the summer.  I've found myself getting quite short with them quickly and forgetting to extend them grace and mercy... especially considering all the change and chaos that they've been enduring these past 6 weeks.  I want them to behave, to obey, and to entertain themselves for hours on end... HA!  I know!  So silly and unrealistic!  I also think about the ladies I disciple on campus and how frustrated I get with them when they're unwilling to change or are so blind to sin in their life when it's so obvious!  I forget so easily that change is such a slow process and it takes a long time to identify sin in life, repent, seek counsel on how to change, and begin to change!  It takes a lot of time, energy, and patience to change and become more Christ-like.

So how have I begun to work on this?  Well... I've started with the boys.  When I find myself starting to get frustrated with them, I remind myself that they are only children and that it's going to take time for them to learn especially with all the change and chaos they've been enduring over the past few weeks.  God is so patient with me in my unwillingness to change, my rebellion, and my disobedience.  Because He has extended that patience, grace, and mercy to me in the midst of my sinful life, I have the freedom to extend it to others because of Christ's atoning sacrifice.  I can strive to be more like Christ in my interactions with others by showing them patience in speech and actions.  Will it be easy, not at all.  It's so hard... but Galatians 5:22 says that one of the fruits of the Spirit is patience so therefore the Holy Spirit is patient and because Christians have the Holy Spirit living inside them, we embody these characteristics to show Christ's love to those around us.  How awesome is that!?  In addition to that, reminding myself of the following scripture during moments of impatience can help me combat Satan's temptations to be impatient:

"Better is the end of a thing than its beginning, and the patient in spirit is better than the proud in spirit." (Ecc. 7:8)

"You also, be patient. Establish your hearts, for the coming of the Lord is at hand." (James 5:8)

"I therefore, a prisoner for the Lord, urge you to walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, with patience, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace. (Ephesians 4:1-3)

Any one of those are great for combatting Satan when he chooses to tempt us through impatience.  So friends, join me in this battle against impatience and let's show the world Christ though our patience with each other and those around us!


~Dani

**Friends, will you also please keep the family I'm staying with in your prayers as they continue to try and balance time at the NICU with time at home and their daughter fights every minute for her life.  Thank you!**

Letting Go and Trusting Him: A Mess for Me But His Unconditional Love

Hello friends!  I sit here at my favorite place (Bloomsburg Dunkin Donuts) after just finishing the last semester of my junior year in college.  Time sure does fly... I feel like just yesterday I was graduating high school and now my college graduation is just around the corner.  Times change, people come and go, the seasons of life change with the seasons of the earth and yet one thing remains constant through it all... God.  Through the many ups and downs that this semester has held, I've learned one radical, life-changing lesson... God is sovereign through it all.  

 For I know the plans I have for you, declares the LORD, plans for welfare and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon me and come and pray to me, and I will hear you. You will seek me and find me, when you seek me with all your heart.
(Jeremiah 29:11-13 ESV)

If you know me, you know that I love control.  I love having my ducks all in a row, my plans in order, and a schedule ready to be followed.  If something gets messed up, I usually am unhappy with the change in plans and will fight hard to stick to the plan I had set in the first place.  I also, in my foolish pridefulness, don't like to ask for help because I feel that if someone else tries to do something, they will mess it up, fail, or not do as good of a job as I would.  Silly, right?  I know.  I think God thought so too because this semester He has really been working on my heart in that struggle.  Last fall I applied for an summer internship that I wanted more than anything and I thought I had it.  After all, I'm pretty close with the people running the internship, my application looked awesome, and I had seniority.  I started to build summer plans around the thought that I had the internship in the bag.  So you can imagine the complete and utter devastation I felt when I didn't get the internship.  And to top it all off, my best friend, who is a grade level younger than me, got the internship.  I was so deflated.  My ego had been knocked down, my heart wrecked, and my pride down to ground zero.  I was so mad at God for not giving me what I thought I deserved and for wrecking my plans for the summer.  How could He do this to me?  After all, that was MY plan for the summer.  So the search for summer employment began in complete desperation.  I was a wreck.  What on earth was I going to do?

Fast forward to the beginning of the spring semester...

My current boss offered me a position in the same department I worked in last summer and work in all year and several of the moms I babysit for on a regular basis from my church have started asking me about watching their kiddos over the summer and are thankful for the extra set of willing hands for the summer months as many families have new babies on the way due over the summer months.  One specific family had offered me a free place to stay over the summer as they would be welcoming their 4th child and an extra set of hands around the house would be appreciated.  So I made plans to stay with them from their due date until my job began planning to find some part time employment for the time in between to bide my time.  My plans seemed to be all in order and I was excited for the summer to start now that everything seemed to be set in stone and ready to go.  However, God likes to wreck plans.  2 months before she was scheduled to make her appearance, the family I planned to stay with welcomed their daughter due to health complications with the pregnancy.  After some testing, their little one was diagnosed with a fatal disease and given a short life expectancy.  As someone who loves children and is close to this family, my heart sank to my knees.  As plans started to shift, their 3 older boys needed care so that mom could be at the NICU with baby and dad could work.  The boys bounced daily between family/friends/church family spending each day with a different person.  Since I had already planned to stay with them over the summer, I offered to move in a few weeks earlier than planned to give the boys some stability and help out during the uncertainty that was now their life.  As I sat on campus one night chatting with my best friend and sharing my change in plans and my fearfulness about an entire summer spent away from home with her she looked me square in the eye and said "Danielle... think about it.  This is why you didn't get the internship."  I was floored.  I sat in shock... completely and totally amazed.  She was right.  If I had gotten the internship like I wanted to, none of these plans would've fallen into place and I would not have been given the amazing opportunity that I now have to serve the families I love so dearly.  Although I would've still been doing something I love to do, it wouldn't be the same.  I shared this with the mom of the precious little baby I mentioned and she was so thankful because it strengthened her faith by showing that God is indeed in control.  He knew when I applied for the internship that I wouldn't get it because of the plans He had for me over this summer.  The God of the universe knew exactly where I would be at this very time before He even created the world several thousand years ago.  As I sit here reflecting on these events, I am brought almost to tears.  I am such an anxious, prideful fool.  I profess that I trust God fully with my life and plans but my actions say the exact opposite.  But, through this amazing, God-ordained series of events, He has been challenging my trust of Him and what He is doing.  Nothing surprise Him even if it surprises us.  He has ordered these events before the creation of the world to bring more glory to Himself and to make us more like Christ.  I am continually humbled by His character, faithfulness, and sovereignty.  I can rest in His plan for my life knowing that He has my best interests at heart.  It takes such a burden off my shoulders, friends.  I spend so much time worrying about my plans, my future, and my day to day life that I forget who is in control of it.  By me worrying about everything, it's conveying that I think I can do a better job running my life than God can.  Silly, right?  Friends, I challenge you to join me in this journey to utter dependance on God.  Rest in the fact that He knows the plan for your life better than you do.

Romans 8:28 promises that:

"And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose."

Ephesians 2:10 says:

"For we are his workmanship, created in Christ Jesus for good works, which God prepared beforehand, that we should walk in them."

Friends, God has prepared a path before us and we need to simply trust Him with our lives and seek to honor Him in our lives.  Will we fail?  Absolutely.  We are sinful, broken people incapable of being perfect.  That's why Jesus had to come and die.  His work allows us to be reconciled to the Father in all our unrighteousness.  Jesus's work makes us righteous, holy, and blameless in the Father's eyes.  It gives us so much freedom to fail knowing we are forgiven but also gives a reason to strive forward and seek to become more like Christ.  We don't have to work to be free, we are completely free to work as a response to Christ's work.  In my struggle with self-reliance, I know I will fail and it will be an uphill battle but God is with me, in me, and beside me.  He alone will help me through this struggle with my sin and I can rest in His completed work and run the race set before me in the hopes of obtaining the greatest reward one can ever receive, heaven.

So today I praise God for wrecked plans and wrecked pride knowing that God is completely in control every stop of the way through every mountain and every valley placed before be.

"Therefore, since we have been justified by faith, we have peace with God through our Lord Jesus Christ. Through him we have also obtained access by faith into this grace in which we stand, and we rejoice in hope of the glory of God. Not only that, but we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God's love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.

For while we were still weak, at the right time Christ died for the ungodly. For one will scarcely die for a righteous person—though perhaps for a good person one would dare even to die—but God shows his love for us in that while we were still sinners, Christ died for us. Since, therefore, we have now been justified by his blood, much more shall we be saved by him from the wrath of God. For if while we were enemies we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, now that we are reconciled, shall we be saved by his life. More than that, we also rejoice in God through our Lord Jesus Christ, through whom we have now received reconciliation.(Romans 5:1-11 ESV)

Be free in Christ friends.

Dani

-Will you join me in praying for my dear friend's little baby girl?  Pray that God heals her frail little body and that the family (who are Christians), can continue to trust God's plan for their little girl and their lives.  Thank you!-

Messy Love: Heartache & Heartbreak

So if you know me, you know that I don't cry often so if I do, something's really wrong and I can usually get myself to stop quite quickly.  If you know these things then you'd also know that there's always a really big reason behind why I cry and it's something I've been pushing down for quite some time but it got too much to handle.  So you can imagine my surprise this past week when I just randomly started crying almost every day and couldn't figure out why.  Well... after a very very teary drive back to my apartment from a babysitting gig, I think I have figured it out and the answer shocked me and revealed a lot about my heart.

I've always wanted love and have sought after it in the worst of ways.  I've always felt like there was a hole in my life and I always tried to fill it with whatever cheap affection was being tossed my way... superficial friendships, praise, boys, etc.  Something always seemed to be vying for that part of me.  That hole continually seemed to get bigger and bigger as people I held close left me... some by choice, some not by choice, and some went home to be with Jesus.  Each person took a piece of me with them and left me feeling incomplete... broken... aching...  I wanted someone to take their place to fill that hole so I could feel complete again.  I tried to replace the hole my dad left when he moved out & moved on after my parents divorced years ago with various guys, the hole when my best friend moved across the world with other close friends, and the biggest hole that was left when my grandma passed away a year and a half ago has yet to be filled...  And (not surprisingly), nothing gives me the completeness I crave.  In fact, it made it worse to realize nothing was working.  The new friends had other friends, the boys came and went... but the holes remained.  No one ever lived up to the expectations I had and it always left me more hurt, more bitter, and feeling more alone.

And tonight, as I was driving home from Danville, the emotions all hit me like a waterfall of bricks, enveloped me, and wouldn't let me go.  It wasn't until now that I realized what was happening.  I believe so many lies every day when it comes to all this... And God has just exposed a lot of my heart, my sin, and my weakness all at the same time.  What a bittersweet moment!  In an instant I was shown how much I idolize relationships (I mean I knew I did but just realized the extent of it..), all the lies I believe, how I never turn to God when I'm aching, and how much I desire to be loved/known/appreciated.

But God does all this and then some!  He truly knows me!  He knows every little thing about me!  Even down to the number of hairs on my head (Matthew 10:30).  He loves me so much He sent HIS SON to die for me on a cross 2000 years ago so I could be reconciled to Him once more (John 3:16).  If that isn't true love, then I don't know what love is.  But why do I put my earthly relationships above this heavenly relationship when the earthly ones fail me, hurt me, and leave me longing for more?  I think CS Lewis put it quite nicely when he said:

“It would seem that Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink and sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased.”

 I am easily pleased.  I am much more content with a Skype date with my best friend once a month or a hug from someone I care about than the endless riches of heaven and the promises God has for me.  I would rather indulge here than fill myself with God.  Although I long for the day when I can be reunited with my Heavenly Father on the other side of the pearly gates some day, most days I'm okay here.  I love everything here on earth until something goes wrong and then I want to take the fastest route to heaven.  But is that what God really wants for us and our lives?  I don't think so.  Romans 12:2 specifically calls us to be in this world but not of it.  In other words, we are to live here while God has us here but we should be set apart in how we live our lives.  Well... by turning to my best friends for comfort, finding every possible thing but God to fill the holes in my heart,  and idolizing any kind of relationship I would say I'm not off to the best start.

BUT THERE IS HOPE!

In the book of Philiipians Paul writes:

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ.  (Philippians 1:6, ESV)

By revealing this sin in my life it is proof of God's work in my life and because He has started this good work, He promises He will also complete it in me some day.  It may be something I battle my entire life but there is the promise that some day it will be finished just like Jesus completed the ultimate task of reconciliation on the cross.

Around this Hallmark-ized holiday of superficial "love", tokens of affection, and brokenness, I can rest my broken heart in the hand of God knowing that He cares about every little missing piece, every bruise, every crack, and every scrape on it and that ONLY HE can truly restore it to new.  Not the guys I find attractive sitting across the auditorium at DCF.  Not my friends or family.  No amount of anything on this earth can restore my broken heart to it's original mint condition.  But Jesus can.  If you're like me and hate Valentine's Day because it just reminds you of all the pain in the past I hope you can find comfort in this passage from God's word:

He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.  (Psalm 147:3, ESV)

That's a pretty awesome promise if you ask me!  I have never been more thankful for it than I am right now.

If you're struggling with this like I am, I pray for God's comfort to flood you in ways you never thought possible so that you can truly know what love feels like.  I pray that those wounds in the past can be healed by the blood of Christ.  Jesus loves you, friend.

Happy Valentine's Day!

~Dani

Grace... the Messiest Love of All

Hello friends!  Happy New Year!  I hope you all had a blessed holiday with your loved ones.  As I get ready to head back for my 6th semester of college, my levels of anxiety skyrocketed.  Now, those of you who may know me well know that I don't struggle with anxiety typically.  It's something I never had to deal with... until now.  And may I just say, I don't like it one bit.  Why am I feeling so anxious you ask?  Well, here's a little glimpse into the past few weeks for me (with a little back story):

At the end of last semester, one of my best friends (and fellow leaders of our Christian Fellowship) and I decided we wanted to lead a study together this spring on prayer through Paul Miller's book, "A Praying Life" (if you've never read it, check it out!).  Both of us were quite excited to take on this task & begin the hours of planning we knew lay ahead.  A few days before we both left for break (after many long hours of searching) neither of us had a bible study co-leader for the spring either.  Well, as members of the exec team (the highest form of student leadership in the fellowship), we felt we couldn't be exec members and not lead a bible study... so we decided we would lead one together in the spring in addition to the prayer study.  Plans quickly began to form to start preparation for both over winter break and we both went our separate ways for the next 5 weeks.  Well, life's funny in that plans never seem to go as we hope... and these were no exception.  The hours slipped into days and the days slipped into weeks and no preparation was done.  The cause of this?  Busyness, conflicting schedules, etc.  The usual.  But as the new year rolled around, my anxiety level started to rise.  We only had a few short weeks to prepare both studies and that involved reading an entire book... so. I began to get to work.  The bible study preparation was quite easy (as I'm quite familiar with the book we chose to study) and in a matter of days, bible study was planned for the whole semester.  But, the daunting task of planning the prayer study still remained.  After talking to my co-leader, we quickly realized how fast time was slipping away and how much we still had to do.  At the same time I was stressing out over my on campus job as I now have a new boss & there's a lot of changes including have 2 sections to tutor instead of 1.  Trying to figure out my work schedule took several days of stressed emails, confusion, and if I'm being honest, tears on my part.  Just looking at my schedule made me want to quit.  While the above events were occurring, the semester's syllabi began to enter my life with their daunting assignment lists & due dates.  With everything going on, I just wanted to shut down.  I couldn't take the pressure, the stress, or the anxiety that this all was causing.  I was a wreck.  Looking at everything, I thought to myself, "There's no way that this prayer study can get planned in time.  What are you going to do about work, this schedule is going to kill you.  Let's not forget about those syllabi.  How on earth are you going to manage 18 credits, work, and everything else on top of it?"  I began to think about how I could lighten my course load (but then I wouldn't graduate on time), not do bible study/prayer study (I made a commitment & would be letting my co-leader down), losing hours at work (I really need the money), etc.  I realized I couldn't/didn't want to loosen up the load & that I was just going to suck it up and pull through (after all... I made it through the fall semester from hell, right?).  Everything felt helpless/hopeless & in my hopeless/helpless state, that's right when God stepped in.

In the midst of all the craziness I received a package in the mail containing a book I ordered the day after Christmas.  This package contained a discussion guide to the book on prayer we are studying this semester as I hoped it would help us with the study.  Since I ordered it the day after Christmas, it should've been here a longggggg time ago but... it wasn't it showed up in the midst of all this chaos.  Why is that significant?  After browsing through the discussion guide, I found in the back a 13 week leader's guide to the book.  This leader's guide contained questions, prompts, tips, etc. on how to lead a study through the book.  Each study is set for 75 minutes.  We have exactly 13 weeks and set aside 75 minutes for the study... coincidence?  Nope.  God.  I immediately texted my co-leader and the two of us celebrated for quite some time about the discovery and the burden it took from us.  When considering what to give up to lighten my load, the two big things I was going to drop were the prayer study & bible study.  I feel that through the help He gave in a small discussion guide, God was saying "You decided to stick to this so I'm going to help you."  Words cannot express the joy/relief I felt after discovering that guide and the burden it took off our shoulders.  Is there still work to do?  Of course.  But this has given us a great place to start & from here we can make it our own!

While trying to figure out my work schedule & face the uncertainty it would bring, Philippians 4:13 kept running through my head... "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength."  I could do this.  I've tutored for 3 semesters now, why was I so worried about a 4th?  Oh... right.. the fact that I had 2 sections which meant twice as many students, 2 class periods to attend twice a week, a professor I've never worked with before, and to top it all off... the classes fell on my 2 busiest days of the week.  Dilemma right?  Philippians 4:13.  Philippians 4:13.  Philippians 4:13.  I kept trying to convince myself that sure... I wasn't sure I could handle the schedule but God could.  And of course, He did.  Although I still have both sections, I don't have to attend both sections twice a week, only once & can hold my tutoring sections opposite class times therefore on my busy days, less students will be able to attend each session as some of them will be in class.  The sigh of relief, songs of praise, and prayers of thanksgiving that left my lips were unmatched.  I was estatic.  An amazing answered prayer.  Thank you Lord!

And that brings us to today...

Earlier this afternoon I Skyped with my co-leader to do prayer study prep and quickly realized just how much work still lay ahead of us.  I began to get defeated again, thinking "There's no possible way this can work out.  We have so much to do.  When is this ever going to get done..."  Guess who showed up again this evening?  Yup.  God.  While surfing the internet in the hopes of finding something else to help us with the prayer study I found EXACTLY what I was looking for and instantly started to cry.  I suddenly felt so undeserving and so thankful that God was literally handing me these lifesavers to save me from the sea of doubt I was drowning in.  I couldn't handle the emotion that was bottling up inside me.  Tears flowed & prayers of thanksgiving soared.  I couldn't handle the love & grace that He poured out to me.  When I felt like I was drowning, He saved me from my doubts, reminding me that although I may not feel that I could do it, with Him... I can.

I am so undeserving of the grace and love shown to me as through this process so much of my ugly heart has been shown.  The doubt of God providing for His children, the anxiety that those doubts bring, the pride that came in getting most of the prep work done for the semester, as well as the bitterness that sprung when it seemed that I was the only one doing the work we both decided we'd do over break (I talked with my co-leader, repented of my bitter heart & sought and received forgiveness).  We live in such a fallen world filled with sin but it never fails to amaze me when God reveals Himself in his always awe-inspiring ways.  I'm so grateful to follow such an amazing God & although things get quite messy some times, His grace & mercy shines through.

When times start to get rough & I feel like I'm drowning, I need to start turning to Him & cast all my anxieties on Him because He truly loves me.  (1 Peter 5:7)

“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)

If He cares about birds & flowers, why wouldn't He care for you, His precious child.  Lift your burdens up to him & take His light yoke upon you.

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)


In Christ Alone,

Dani