At the end of last semester, one of my best friends (and fellow leaders of our Christian Fellowship) and I decided we wanted to lead a study together this spring on prayer through Paul Miller's book, "A Praying Life" (if you've never read it, check it out!). Both of us were quite excited to take on this task & begin the hours of planning we knew lay ahead. A few days before we both left for break (after many long hours of searching) neither of us had a bible study co-leader for the spring either. Well, as members of the exec team (the highest form of student leadership in the fellowship), we felt we couldn't be exec members and not lead a bible study... so we decided we would lead one together in the spring in addition to the prayer study. Plans quickly began to form to start preparation for both over winter break and we both went our separate ways for the next 5 weeks. Well, life's funny in that plans never seem to go as we hope... and these were no exception. The hours slipped into days and the days slipped into weeks and no preparation was done. The cause of this? Busyness, conflicting schedules, etc. The usual. But as the new year rolled around, my anxiety level started to rise. We only had a few short weeks to prepare both studies and that involved reading an entire book... so. I began to get to work. The bible study preparation was quite easy (as I'm quite familiar with the book we chose to study) and in a matter of days, bible study was planned for the whole semester. But, the daunting task of planning the prayer study still remained. After talking to my co-leader, we quickly realized how fast time was slipping away and how much we still had to do. At the same time I was stressing out over my on campus job as I now have a new boss & there's a lot of changes including have 2 sections to tutor instead of 1. Trying to figure out my work schedule took several days of stressed emails, confusion, and if I'm being honest, tears on my part. Just looking at my schedule made me want to quit. While the above events were occurring, the semester's syllabi began to enter my life with their daunting assignment lists & due dates. With everything going on, I just wanted to shut down. I couldn't take the pressure, the stress, or the anxiety that this all was causing. I was a wreck. Looking at everything, I thought to myself, "There's no way that this prayer study can get planned in time. What are you going to do about work, this schedule is going to kill you. Let's not forget about those syllabi. How on earth are you going to manage 18 credits, work, and everything else on top of it?" I began to think about how I could lighten my course load (but then I wouldn't graduate on time), not do bible study/prayer study (I made a commitment & would be letting my co-leader down), losing hours at work (I really need the money), etc. I realized I couldn't/didn't want to loosen up the load & that I was just going to suck it up and pull through (after all... I made it through the fall semester from hell, right?). Everything felt helpless/hopeless & in my hopeless/helpless state, that's right when God stepped in.
In the midst of all the craziness I received a package in the mail containing a book I ordered the day after Christmas. This package contained a discussion guide to the book on prayer we are studying this semester as I hoped it would help us with the study. Since I ordered it the day after Christmas, it should've been here a longggggg time ago but... it wasn't it showed up in the midst of all this chaos. Why is that significant? After browsing through the discussion guide, I found in the back a 13 week leader's guide to the book. This leader's guide contained questions, prompts, tips, etc. on how to lead a study through the book. Each study is set for 75 minutes. We have exactly 13 weeks and set aside 75 minutes for the study... coincidence? Nope. God. I immediately texted my co-leader and the two of us celebrated for quite some time about the discovery and the burden it took from us. When considering what to give up to lighten my load, the two big things I was going to drop were the prayer study & bible study. I feel that through the help He gave in a small discussion guide, God was saying "You decided to stick to this so I'm going to help you." Words cannot express the joy/relief I felt after discovering that guide and the burden it took off our shoulders. Is there still work to do? Of course. But this has given us a great place to start & from here we can make it our own!
While trying to figure out my work schedule & face the uncertainty it would bring, Philippians 4:13 kept running through my head... "I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength." I could do this. I've tutored for 3 semesters now, why was I so worried about a 4th? Oh... right.. the fact that I had 2 sections which meant twice as many students, 2 class periods to attend twice a week, a professor I've never worked with before, and to top it all off... the classes fell on my 2 busiest days of the week. Dilemma right? Philippians 4:13. Philippians 4:13. Philippians 4:13. I kept trying to convince myself that sure... I wasn't sure I could handle the schedule but God could. And of course, He did. Although I still have both sections, I don't have to attend both sections twice a week, only once & can hold my tutoring sections opposite class times therefore on my busy days, less students will be able to attend each session as some of them will be in class. The sigh of relief, songs of praise, and prayers of thanksgiving that left my lips were unmatched. I was estatic. An amazing answered prayer. Thank you Lord!
And that brings us to today...
Earlier this afternoon I Skyped with my co-leader to do prayer study prep and quickly realized just how much work still lay ahead of us. I began to get defeated again, thinking "There's no possible way this can work out. We have so much to do. When is this ever going to get done..." Guess who showed up again this evening? Yup. God. While surfing the internet in the hopes of finding something else to help us with the prayer study I found EXACTLY what I was looking for and instantly started to cry. I suddenly felt so undeserving and so thankful that God was literally handing me these lifesavers to save me from the sea of doubt I was drowning in. I couldn't handle the emotion that was bottling up inside me. Tears flowed & prayers of thanksgiving soared. I couldn't handle the love & grace that He poured out to me. When I felt like I was drowning, He saved me from my doubts, reminding me that although I may not feel that I could do it, with Him... I can.
I am so undeserving of the grace and love shown to me as through this process so much of my ugly heart has been shown. The doubt of God providing for His children, the anxiety that those doubts bring, the pride that came in getting most of the prep work done for the semester, as well as the bitterness that sprung when it seemed that I was the only one doing the work we both decided we'd do over break (I talked with my co-leader, repented of my bitter heart & sought and received forgiveness). We live in such a fallen world filled with sin but it never fails to amaze me when God reveals Himself in his always awe-inspiring ways. I'm so grateful to follow such an amazing God & although things get quite messy some times, His grace & mercy shines through.
When times start to get rough & I feel like I'm drowning, I need to start turning to Him & cast all my anxieties on Him because He truly loves me. (1 Peter 5:7)
“Therefore I tell you, do not be anxious about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink, nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothing? Look at the birds of the air: they neither sow nor reap nor gather into barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not of more value than they? And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his span of life? And why are you anxious about clothing? Consider the lilies of the field, how they grow: they neither toil nor spin, yet I tell you, even Solomon in all his glory was not arrayed like one of these. But if God so clothes the grass of the field, which today is alive and tomorrow is thrown into the oven, will he not much more clothe you, O you of little faith? Therefore do not be anxious, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the Gentiles seek after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them all. But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you.If He cares about birds & flowers, why wouldn't He care for you, His precious child. Lift your burdens up to him & take His light yoke upon you.
Therefore do not be anxious about tomorrow, for tomorrow will be anxious for itself. Sufficient for the day is its own trouble." (Matthew 6:25-34 ESV)
"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30 ESV)
In Christ Alone,
Dani
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